So where to even begin? I think I'll start with my co-worker, Shit Stack. His name actually evolved over the summer. First, his real name, which will remain anonymous. Next, due to the fact that the fucker is 5'4" (that's right... 5'4") we dubbed him Short Stack. Then, as the summer progressed and his douchiness REALLY began showing, the name was finally changed to Shit Stack. So there you have it.
So let me tell you a little bit about Shit Stack. He's the biggest flaming douchebag kiss ass butt plug I've ever met. In fact, I don't think that description really even does him justice. Maybe "world's biggest cock sucker and rim jobber fucktard" would do the trick. You get the idea. I think he was sent from the 7th circle of hell to make my summer as annoying as humanly possible. Here are just a FEW choice examples of why he sucks so much cock:
1. He wears a suit every FUCKING DAY. Granted, he doesn't wear his jacket all the time, but he would literally put his jacket on to go to the second floor of the firm because he thought it was "fancier". Are you fucking serious?? What the fuck is wrong with you? Take your fucking midget tailored jacket off and act like a goddam human being! Oh wait, that's right, you're subhuman. Maybe the attorney he blows every day likes him to wear it. Who the fuck knows. Either way, he's a flaming retard. What I find even worse is the fact that he won't admit that he's wearing the jacket to try to kiss ass. At least come clean for christs sake, don't just say "well it's fancier upstairs" You dildo.
2. He's 5'4". 'Nuff said. Fucking leprechaun.
3. He can't do work at his own FUCKING desk. WHen he has his PILES and piles of research, he's not capable of doing work at his own desk. he has to go to a library table (we work in the firm's library in a big ass open room) and proceeds to spread his shit all across the table, and then read it like he's trying to decipher the fucking Rosetta stone. You jack ass. I know you're probably trying to look intense and smart, but you're a tool to end all tools.
4. He consistently takes work home with him. Every. Fucking. Night. And not just a few things to read or edit, he must stuff about 4,000 pages of cases and shit into his dildoey circus carney bag EVERY day, and that's after working for 9.5 hours AT the firm. Seriously homo? I don't know who you're trying to impress, or if you have fucking dyslexia and are retarded, but who the FUCK brings that much work home every night? NO ONE except a fucking tool who is trying his darndest to look like an ass kissing fuckstick. Don't get me wrong-- if you have something due tomorrow morning and you need to get it done-- fine. Totally understandable every once in a while. But EVERY night?? Jesus you cock sucker, why don't you just sleep at the goddam firm in the fucking front doorway so everyone can see how dedicated you are? Jizzbag.
5. Here's a REAL gem: his parents "just happened" to need their wills re-written, so what does Shit Stack do? That's right-- he even brings clients to the firm! What a cock gobbler. And he plays it off like "well I mean i might as well... I know estate attorneys here!" Shitbag, don't your parents HAVE an attorney already? I'm sure they do, but they made special gay dispensation. I can just picture the conversation now: "mom, dad, can you get your wills re-written so I can kiss even more ass at work? I don't think bringing home a fucking encyclopedia's worth of work home every night is attracting enough attention" "Well, you're hopeless, short, irritating and gay, so we'll do whatever we can to help out our special needs asshole of a son" And that's exactly what the conversation was. Wow, you topped yourself there you cock gobbling shitstain.
6. One of my personal favorites: he was writing a memo, and he re-printed it out, edited it and reprinted it out again EIGHT FUCKING TIMES within the course of an hour. EIGHT. Seriously, I get wanting to impress and look good. But that's taking it to the retardedly maxed out dildo level that only Shit stack would take it to. What a fucking bag of elephant balls. I hope he chokes.
7. His gait. I know it sound bizarre, but I swear to fucking god he like STOMPS around the office and always walks "with a purpose," if you will. I can practically hear him coming from his fucking car. I'm guessing this is to make up for the fact that 8 year-olds probably tower over his sorry Napoleon-complex ass. I can't even fully explain why his walk pisses me off, but it's almost like he's trying to sound and look important and busy when he WALKS, even if he's walking to fucking get coffee or take a piss. What the fuck you jackhole, walk like a normal goddam person. Maybe one day he'll stomp so hard he'll piss someone off on the first floor so they come up and smack him in the face. That would be awesome.
Those are all I can think of right now, but trust me, this kid is the world's biggest piece of shit ever. He's about on par with Mumia Abu Jamal, only white, short, and not a criminal. Yet.
This is only part I of the rant. Part II will be coming soon Stay tuned!!!
