You know what I hate? Several people in my office

So it's been quite a while since i ranted last...probably because i've been developing new hateful relationships with several people in my office. As an aside, i would like to thank whatever the fuck higher power there is for the fact that i HAVE a job. But that doesn't mean i can't hate on a few select people who i want to fucking choke every time i see them. So I work in a law firm. You have the law firm hierarchy of partner, associate, paralegal, secretary, secretarial assistant, and whatever underlings that fall below them. As an associate, I have to blow all the partners and do whatever the hell they ask me to do, even if it's fucking retarded and makes no goddam sense at all and only reflects poorly on me.

Surprisingly, the worst people in the firm that I want to fucking fall off a ten story building are all women. Actually that's probably not that surprising. Women are generally cunts. There are two such women that I can't fucking stand in my firm. One, a partner, who's as obnoxious as they come and reminds me of some kind of loud ass shitstain tropical bird that you can hear from 10 miles away and want dead.

I hate this woman. She has about as much class as someone who was raised by sewer rats and frankly, i think she's a dumbass. SHe probably blew her way into the poorly ranked law school she attended, then most likely have to blow her way out of that because she can't pass the normal way. Then there's the whole loud as fuck thing. When she's talking on the phone, you can hear her from anywhere in the firm. Yet no one would ever think to say anything to her about it- lest they get yelled at in a white trash bash fashion by this whore. So she's loud and stupid. Great combination. And i have to take orders from this woman. I would love nothing more than to tell her to shut the fuck up and crawl back to the fucking trailer park where she came from (where they no doubt don't give a shit if you sound like you're giving labor when you're talking on the phone), and that she's one of the few lawyers who doesn't know how to read a case. But no, I have to kiss her ass like everyone else's. Such a fucking goddam shame. Maybe finally one day someone will have the courage to tell her what we're all thinking.

The other person i hate is a paralegal who THINKS she's a partner and the sound of her voice makes me want to jam butter knives in my eyes. I hate this bitch. She never does anything you tell her to. Talk about needing to be taken down a peg or ten. Listen, i get it- you don't want some obnoxious young lawyer half your age talking down to you. I understand that. But since I have a law degree and you have a degree from buttfuck community college, you fucking do what i tell you to do. You are not allowed to order ME around. I don't care if you've been at this firm since 1937 so you feel you have some kind of seniority. Fuck you and shove your paralegal seniority up your ass. I realize i sound condescending, but i have no problems with the other paralegals who do not feel they have to assert themselves as major bitch cunts, only this one. And she doesn't DO anything! She does absolutely nothing for me. Even if i tried to ask her to do something, i would get a fucking earful about why she can't do whatever i asked her to do and then she would tell me to do it. I don't get that. Do you fucking job and stop acting like a partner. Maybe had you not gotten knocked up at a young age you would have made it further, but you did, so fuck you. My secretary is like that too. ALways trying to get out of shit by telling me it's the paralegal's job. Not to mention the fact that she dresses like a fat participant of an 80s jazzercise class.

Literally she wears tights, a tee shirt and sneakers. You work in a law firm. Fucking dress like it you fat snatch.

You know what I hate? People who blog

You know what I fucking hate? People who blog about every goddam thing that they do. 'OMG guess what I did today? I took a walk and got a lemon water ice from Rita's!" FUCK YOU!! Like i give a rat's ass what the fuck you did today. It's one thing to blog every once in a while about something cool that happened, but for the people who blog every day about all the meaningless shitastic shit they do? Kiss my ass. I'd rather watch paint dry than read about what the fuck you had for breakfast.

Blogging is probably the most narcissistic shit that's ever happened to this country. Everyone thinks they're the center of the fucking universe and everyone thinks people give a fuck about it. Well guess what. NO ONE CARES!!!! FUck you and the fucking eggs you cooked this morning. FUck you and the old cocksucker on the subway that gave you a weird look.


And you know what else I hate? Cooking blogs.
I don't give a fuck that you figured out another goddamn way to make macaroni and goddamn cheese. Thanks for telling the whole world that this new fucking recipe you 'discovered' aka found as your fatass leafed through another fucking issue of goddamn cooking for homos magazine. Oooh, add a sprig of parsley. FUCK YOU parsley doesnt make mac and cheese taste better you hippy cunt.

And another thing. I don't need to hear about every goddamn restaurant you ever fucking go to. I swear to god. "I just had a twinkie from the A-Plus down the road. It was yumm-o." Fuck you shit for brains dumb fuck. Some of these blogs i read will describe every fucking restaurant in the universe as 'quaint' and 'cute.' LEARN SOME FUCKING NEW WORDS ANUSBREATH!! Not every goddamn restaurant is quaint. Also, when you say something is 'yummy' you sound like a retard.

The people who read these blogs religiously must be fucking mental patients. Ooooh, what is Ms. Yummy Tasty Treat going to tell us next.....did she eat something good by any chance? she did? HOLY SHIT!!! I was thinking she would blog about the fucking crusty turkey burgers she pulled out of the back of her freezer that were covered in permafrost and that she heated up in the microwave and ate with an old packet of delivery chinese soy sauce.

FUCK YOU bloggers, go fuck yourself and no one gives a flying rat's ass about your shit.

You know what i hate? "Smart" phones

In reality, these annoying obnoxious pieces of shit should be called retard phones, because once someone gets their hands on one, they turn into a fucking lab rat continually hitting the pellet bar for more food. OMG I GOT A TEXT!!! OMG AN EMAIL! OMG MY DUMB ASS FRIEND JUST TOOK HIS TURN ON 'WORDS WITH OTHER RETARDS!"

OMG FUCK YOU YOU'RE AN IDIOT AND I HOPE YOUR PHONE EXPLODES ON YOU!

Seriously, once someone gets a retard phone, their whole life revolves around the damn phone. And what for? What important emails are you getting? What business related issues are you resolving on that thing? Oh right, the most important thing you've received on that thing was notification of a sale at Macy's. Because you're a fucking tool who's so fucking self involved and self important that you HAVE to look at that stupid thing every four seconds to make sure you're not getting an email from some useless person talking about crap!! OF COURSE!!


It's gotten to the point where i dont even WANT a goddam retard phone because i don't want to sink to the frankenstein level of these brainless dumbasses who have their phones glued to their hand because they're constantly checking it. Fuck that, fuck you people.

You know what I hate? Flying.

No, it's not that I have a fear of flying. I can't FUCKING stand traveling by airplane for numerous other reasons. I'd rather stick my goddamn head in an oven than subject myself to the tortures that come along with traveling anywhere in the air. Let's review all the shitastic ways I hate it....

1. Security checks.

Quick. Take everything out of your pockets, take your jacket off, take your shoes off, take your laptop out, take your socks off, take your pants off, get ass raped by the strip search dude.... oh wait, then have those dildo security people paw through all your shit and tear apart all wrapped packages-- then have them leave it in complete FUCKING disarray. Oh, and do all of this at the fucking speed of light because they only have ONE GODDAM ASS FUCKING LANE OPEN AND THERE ARE 700 PEOPLE IN LINE! FUCK you terrorists, you stupid pieces of ass loving shit. I hope you motherfuckers all die of gonorrhea and rot in hell for making me have to go through this fucking obnoxious rigamarole.

Oh, and all your liquids have to be less then .4oz and they, for some stupid fucking reason, need to be in a plastic bag. I got news for you assholes, plastic explosives can be shoved in a shampoo container and STILL do damage at less than 3oz. You are doing absolutely nothing by forcing everyone to do this shit except pissing me off and wishing all of you caught the plague. FUCK you and your useless policies, and fuck you terrorists yet again for causing these dumbfuck policies.

2. The Overhead Compartment Asshole Race for Space

This one really didn't get too bad until airlines because raping everyone without lube by charging you fucking $600 per checked bag. What. The. Fuck. As if we're not paying enough already to fly in these fucking cramped pieces of shit-- now we get to pay extra for checking luggage. Well, all THIS has done is cause everyone to bring on 4000 carry-ons (which NONE of airport check-in or security ever makes anyone check), which inevitably takes up MY fucking overhead compartment space. FUCK you for cramming all your shit in the closest 4 compartments around you. DId you think that they'd go unused? No, becuase we dont want to pay the ass raping fees either, but we dont need to travel with a purse, a bookbag, a laptop case, a suitcase and a fucking dog.

Or, my favorite:


One time, I came to my seat to find that some flaming herpes infested asshole had put his GUITAR in MY overhead compartment-- longways. Really? REALLY???? And, to put the icing on the shit cake, this dumb fuck was sitting like 7 rows back! Not even in the same row, or close to it. What kind of a turdball does that and thinks it'll be ok? I wanted to shove the guitar up his ass then throw him off the fucking plane. And did the flight attendants make him CHECK it like they should have? No. Of course not. Assholes.

3. Kids

I hate kids pretty much anywhere, but on a plane they are the fucking WORST thing in the entire world. I'd rather have a plague of locusts set loose inside the plane than have some snotty fidgety little shitstains behind me kicking my seat for 6 straight hours. Parents, listen. It's called Valium. Give it to your little brats or else I'm going to turn around and smack them with the guitar from my overhead compartment. FUCK YOU. I wish it was still 1960 so i could hit other people's kids. Fuck that would be great.

Fuck you little pieces of shit. I hope you choke on those shitty stale pretzels.

4. Babies

Ok so i know babies technically are kids, but they deserve a hating category of their own. I realize that they don't know what's going on, and that it's not (usually) the parent's fault they're crying. But a crying baby on a plane is on par with having my fucking eyes gouged out with a butter knife. I hate them. There should be a "baby only" section of the plane where the only people who are forced to listen to that shit are other parents who are dick enough to BRING a goddam baby on a plane. Leave the little fucker at home! JEsus it's called a fucking babysitter!! GET ONE! Or just drug your baby. That works too, as long as he doesn't wake up during the flight.

I HATE BABIES. GIVE HIM SOME FUCKING COUGH SYRUP OR SOMETHING!!

5. The Rampant Tuburculosis

Ok so clearly no one has TB, but it sure as fuck sounds like it does. Why is it that like EVERYONE on every plane i've ever been on hacks like a motherfucker? I probably wouldn't care as much if the plane weren't a fucking disease box that only recycles air and lets no fresh air in. Especially the really gross ass wet hacking coughs that you know are just laced with AIDS and the plague. They should make hackers wear those Dutch sick masks. Fuck you for flyign when you're sick. You should be punished.

This guy is doing society a favor by keeping his Diptheria with HIM and him only.

There are a shitload of other things I hate about flying, but I'm too lazy to list the rest. I can't stand that shit. If everything on this list could be eliminated, it might actually be a not-so-horrible experience, but the only way that would happen is if i have my own private jet. And clearly that will be happening in the near future. FUCK you flying.

You know what I hate? Politicians

I know that sounds like a generic topic. But with the upcoming election, I have been inundated with those FUCKING annoying obnoxious political mud slinging ads sharing the most useless retarded things about opposing candidates. "Did you know that Mike Fitzpatrick bought his lawnmower from a Japanese company? He clearly hates America, don't vote for this unpatriotic piece of shit". Seriously? Talk about the most retardedly innocuous things about all of these candidates. FUCK ALL OF YOU, YOU'RE ALL FUCKING CRIMINALS!

When is the last time a politician who promised to cut taxes actually did it? Never. When is the last time a politician did ANYTHING the promised to do in those bullshit ads? Fucking never.


But even besides the fact that all politicians are lying pieces of shit (except Chris Christie), I think what i really hate the most is the ads. Every. Fucking. Ad. If i hear one more thing about Joe Miller's tax payer-funded state car or Christine O'Donnell's witchcraft, i'm going to fucking blow a hole in the TV I watch at the gym (since i don't really own a working TV). Take your accusatory stupid overpriced political ads and spend it on something worthwhile. Like sterilizing people who shouldn't be allowed to have kids. Now THAT is a campaign I'll jump on. If you're not capable of affording child care and support, you're not allowed to have kids, and people like that should have their shit tied until they can. But that's a rant for another day.


But back to the horrible politicians... first of all, lobbyists need to be shot. All of them. Politicians should all get a salary of $40k a year, and they should only be able to serve ONE term. And they should have to get ALL of their expenses approved by a council of people like me who won't approve shit unless it's absolutely necessary. AND, they should not be exempted by ANY of the shit they pass. Oh, you like Obamacare? You think that's great? Fine-- you too get to wait 3 years for an MRI once that shit gets rolling. THEN we'll see how fucking glad you are that it passed. You stupid fucking piece of shit democrats. Nancy Pelosi should be put in the public stockades.


But really, is it too much to ask to NOT have to see these asshole political ads? They all blend together anyway. I don't even know who half the fucking people are or what position they're running for. I'm making a new rule: ads are ONLY allowed to be aired between midnight and 5am. If i see one when i'm watching TV, I get to shoot you in the face. Sounds like a great rule to me.

You know what I hate? Lifer Law Clerks

Ok so now that I've hit my 3L year of law school, i've found a new group of people to absolutely fucking despise. Given the shape of the economy and the fact that EVERY fucking job posting requires a minimum of "3-5 years", the only positions that appear to even be available to scrubs like me is a law clerk position with a judge. Except there's one problem:

NOBODY WILL FUCKING LEAVE THEIR GODDAM LAW CLERK JOB!!!

And why is this you ask? I'll tell you why. Because too many assholes graduated from law school, created their ass imprint in their law clerk chair and NEVER fucking left! What the fuck! Are you aware that you're stealing hundreds of jobs from newly graduated law students like me who would likely have a decent chance at your fucking job if you would just go become a REAL lawyer?? They don't care. Clearly, otherwise they would have moved on a long time ago. I wish they'd create a law like in NJ that would fucking scrape all these asshole barnacle clerks off the bottom of the Judge ship, and then shoot them all to boot. FUCK you! Fuck you for adding to my goddam anxiety. I hope all your fucking houses burn down and you're all disbarred for having your fucking law degree gather too much dust.


Look at all these scummy assholes. Just sucking off the SS Free Judge Lunch

That is why NJ is the greatest state in the union. Or at least on the east coast. Those brilliant law makers sat back and said "you know what? Why don't we force the would-be barnacles to wait a year before implanting their asses somewhere and NOT let them stay with their judge?" BRILLIANT fucking idea! God bless NJ. PA can go shove it up its ass.

You know what I hate? A lot of things about this summer

But the focal point of this rant will not be the summer, but a few choice people I encountered during my time as a summer associate. Before I start, I'd like to acknowledge the fact that yes, I managed to find a job somehow without performing sexual favors, and I am incredibly grateful. However, that doesn't mean I have to kiss the fucking floor every day despite all the fucking SHIT i put up with.

So where to even begin? I think I'll start with my co-worker, Shit Stack. His name actually evolved over the summer. First, his real name, which will remain anonymous. Next, due to the fact that the fucker is 5'4" (that's right... 5'4") we dubbed him Short Stack. Then, as the summer progressed and his douchiness REALLY began showing, the name was finally changed to Shit Stack. So there you have it.

So let me tell you a little bit about Shit Stack. He's the biggest flaming douchebag kiss ass butt plug I've ever met. In fact, I don't think that description really even does him justice. Maybe "world's biggest cock sucker and rim jobber fucktard" would do the trick. You get the idea. I think he was sent from the 7th circle of hell to make my summer as annoying as humanly possible. Here are just a FEW choice examples of why he sucks so much cock:

1. He wears a suit every FUCKING DAY. Granted, he doesn't wear his jacket all the time, but he would literally put his jacket on to go to the second floor of the firm because he thought it was "fancier". Are you fucking serious?? What the fuck is wrong with you? Take your fucking midget tailored jacket off and act like a goddam human being! Oh wait, that's right, you're subhuman. Maybe the attorney he blows every day likes him to wear it. Who the fuck knows. Either way, he's a flaming retard. What I find even worse is the fact that he won't admit that he's wearing the jacket to try to kiss ass. At least come clean for christs sake, don't just say "well it's fancier upstairs" You dildo.

2. He's 5'4". 'Nuff said. Fucking leprechaun.

3. He can't do work at his own FUCKING desk. WHen he has his PILES and piles of research, he's not capable of doing work at his own desk. he has to go to a library table (we work in the firm's library in a big ass open room) and proceeds to spread his shit all across the table, and then read it like he's trying to decipher the fucking Rosetta stone. You jack ass. I know you're probably trying to look intense and smart, but you're a tool to end all tools.

4. He consistently takes work home with him. Every. Fucking. Night. And not just a few things to read or edit, he must stuff about 4,000 pages of cases and shit into his dildoey circus carney bag EVERY day, and that's after working for 9.5 hours AT the firm. Seriously homo? I don't know who you're trying to impress, or if you have fucking dyslexia and are retarded, but who the FUCK brings that much work home every night? NO ONE except a fucking tool who is trying his darndest to look like an ass kissing fuckstick. Don't get me wrong-- if you have something due tomorrow morning and you need to get it done-- fine. Totally understandable every once in a while. But EVERY night?? Jesus you cock sucker, why don't you just sleep at the goddam firm in the fucking front doorway so everyone can see how dedicated you are? Jizzbag.

5. Here's a REAL gem: his parents "just happened" to need their wills re-written, so what does Shit Stack do? That's right-- he even brings clients to the firm! What a cock gobbler. And he plays it off like "well I mean i might as well... I know estate attorneys here!" Shitbag, don't your parents HAVE an attorney already? I'm sure they do, but they made special gay dispensation. I can just picture the conversation now: "mom, dad, can you get your wills re-written so I can kiss even more ass at work? I don't think bringing home a fucking encyclopedia's worth of work home every night is attracting enough attention" "Well, you're hopeless, short, irritating and gay, so we'll do whatever we can to help out our special needs asshole of a son" And that's exactly what the conversation was. Wow, you topped yourself there you cock gobbling shitstain.

6. One of my personal favorites: he was writing a memo, and he re-printed it out, edited it and reprinted it out again EIGHT FUCKING TIMES within the course of an hour. EIGHT. Seriously, I get wanting to impress and look good. But that's taking it to the retardedly maxed out dildo level that only Shit stack would take it to. What a fucking bag of elephant balls. I hope he chokes.

7. His gait. I know it sound bizarre, but I swear to fucking god he like STOMPS around the office and always walks "with a purpose," if you will. I can practically hear him coming from his fucking car. I'm guessing this is to make up for the fact that 8 year-olds probably tower over his sorry Napoleon-complex ass. I can't even fully explain why his walk pisses me off, but it's almost like he's trying to sound and look important and busy when he WALKS, even if he's walking to fucking get coffee or take a piss. What the fuck you jackhole, walk like a normal goddam person. Maybe one day he'll stomp so hard he'll piss someone off on the first floor so they come up and smack him in the face. That would be awesome.


Those are all I can think of right now, but trust me, this kid is the world's biggest piece of shit ever. He's about on par with Mumia Abu Jamal, only white, short, and not a criminal. Yet.

This is only part I of the rant. Part II will be coming soon Stay tuned!!!