You know what I hate? Politicians

I know that sounds like a generic topic. But with the upcoming election, I have been inundated with those FUCKING annoying obnoxious political mud slinging ads sharing the most useless retarded things about opposing candidates. "Did you know that Mike Fitzpatrick bought his lawnmower from a Japanese company? He clearly hates America, don't vote for this unpatriotic piece of shit". Seriously? Talk about the most retardedly innocuous things about all of these candidates. FUCK ALL OF YOU, YOU'RE ALL FUCKING CRIMINALS!

When is the last time a politician who promised to cut taxes actually did it? Never. When is the last time a politician did ANYTHING the promised to do in those bullshit ads? Fucking never.


But even besides the fact that all politicians are lying pieces of shit (except Chris Christie), I think what i really hate the most is the ads. Every. Fucking. Ad. If i hear one more thing about Joe Miller's tax payer-funded state car or Christine O'Donnell's witchcraft, i'm going to fucking blow a hole in the TV I watch at the gym (since i don't really own a working TV). Take your accusatory stupid overpriced political ads and spend it on something worthwhile. Like sterilizing people who shouldn't be allowed to have kids. Now THAT is a campaign I'll jump on. If you're not capable of affording child care and support, you're not allowed to have kids, and people like that should have their shit tied until they can. But that's a rant for another day.


But back to the horrible politicians... first of all, lobbyists need to be shot. All of them. Politicians should all get a salary of $40k a year, and they should only be able to serve ONE term. And they should have to get ALL of their expenses approved by a council of people like me who won't approve shit unless it's absolutely necessary. AND, they should not be exempted by ANY of the shit they pass. Oh, you like Obamacare? You think that's great? Fine-- you too get to wait 3 years for an MRI once that shit gets rolling. THEN we'll see how fucking glad you are that it passed. You stupid fucking piece of shit democrats. Nancy Pelosi should be put in the public stockades.


But really, is it too much to ask to NOT have to see these asshole political ads? They all blend together anyway. I don't even know who half the fucking people are or what position they're running for. I'm making a new rule: ads are ONLY allowed to be aired between midnight and 5am. If i see one when i'm watching TV, I get to shoot you in the face. Sounds like a great rule to me.

You know what I hate? Lifer Law Clerks

Ok so now that I've hit my 3L year of law school, i've found a new group of people to absolutely fucking despise. Given the shape of the economy and the fact that EVERY fucking job posting requires a minimum of "3-5 years", the only positions that appear to even be available to scrubs like me is a law clerk position with a judge. Except there's one problem:

NOBODY WILL FUCKING LEAVE THEIR GODDAM LAW CLERK JOB!!!

And why is this you ask? I'll tell you why. Because too many assholes graduated from law school, created their ass imprint in their law clerk chair and NEVER fucking left! What the fuck! Are you aware that you're stealing hundreds of jobs from newly graduated law students like me who would likely have a decent chance at your fucking job if you would just go become a REAL lawyer?? They don't care. Clearly, otherwise they would have moved on a long time ago. I wish they'd create a law like in NJ that would fucking scrape all these asshole barnacle clerks off the bottom of the Judge ship, and then shoot them all to boot. FUCK you! Fuck you for adding to my goddam anxiety. I hope all your fucking houses burn down and you're all disbarred for having your fucking law degree gather too much dust.


Look at all these scummy assholes. Just sucking off the SS Free Judge Lunch

That is why NJ is the greatest state in the union. Or at least on the east coast. Those brilliant law makers sat back and said "you know what? Why don't we force the would-be barnacles to wait a year before implanting their asses somewhere and NOT let them stay with their judge?" BRILLIANT fucking idea! God bless NJ. PA can go shove it up its ass.

You know what I hate? A lot of things about this summer

But the focal point of this rant will not be the summer, but a few choice people I encountered during my time as a summer associate. Before I start, I'd like to acknowledge the fact that yes, I managed to find a job somehow without performing sexual favors, and I am incredibly grateful. However, that doesn't mean I have to kiss the fucking floor every day despite all the fucking SHIT i put up with.

So where to even begin? I think I'll start with my co-worker, Shit Stack. His name actually evolved over the summer. First, his real name, which will remain anonymous. Next, due to the fact that the fucker is 5'4" (that's right... 5'4") we dubbed him Short Stack. Then, as the summer progressed and his douchiness REALLY began showing, the name was finally changed to Shit Stack. So there you have it.

So let me tell you a little bit about Shit Stack. He's the biggest flaming douchebag kiss ass butt plug I've ever met. In fact, I don't think that description really even does him justice. Maybe "world's biggest cock sucker and rim jobber fucktard" would do the trick. You get the idea. I think he was sent from the 7th circle of hell to make my summer as annoying as humanly possible. Here are just a FEW choice examples of why he sucks so much cock:

1. He wears a suit every FUCKING DAY. Granted, he doesn't wear his jacket all the time, but he would literally put his jacket on to go to the second floor of the firm because he thought it was "fancier". Are you fucking serious?? What the fuck is wrong with you? Take your fucking midget tailored jacket off and act like a goddam human being! Oh wait, that's right, you're subhuman. Maybe the attorney he blows every day likes him to wear it. Who the fuck knows. Either way, he's a flaming retard. What I find even worse is the fact that he won't admit that he's wearing the jacket to try to kiss ass. At least come clean for christs sake, don't just say "well it's fancier upstairs" You dildo.

2. He's 5'4". 'Nuff said. Fucking leprechaun.

3. He can't do work at his own FUCKING desk. WHen he has his PILES and piles of research, he's not capable of doing work at his own desk. he has to go to a library table (we work in the firm's library in a big ass open room) and proceeds to spread his shit all across the table, and then read it like he's trying to decipher the fucking Rosetta stone. You jack ass. I know you're probably trying to look intense and smart, but you're a tool to end all tools.

4. He consistently takes work home with him. Every. Fucking. Night. And not just a few things to read or edit, he must stuff about 4,000 pages of cases and shit into his dildoey circus carney bag EVERY day, and that's after working for 9.5 hours AT the firm. Seriously homo? I don't know who you're trying to impress, or if you have fucking dyslexia and are retarded, but who the FUCK brings that much work home every night? NO ONE except a fucking tool who is trying his darndest to look like an ass kissing fuckstick. Don't get me wrong-- if you have something due tomorrow morning and you need to get it done-- fine. Totally understandable every once in a while. But EVERY night?? Jesus you cock sucker, why don't you just sleep at the goddam firm in the fucking front doorway so everyone can see how dedicated you are? Jizzbag.

5. Here's a REAL gem: his parents "just happened" to need their wills re-written, so what does Shit Stack do? That's right-- he even brings clients to the firm! What a cock gobbler. And he plays it off like "well I mean i might as well... I know estate attorneys here!" Shitbag, don't your parents HAVE an attorney already? I'm sure they do, but they made special gay dispensation. I can just picture the conversation now: "mom, dad, can you get your wills re-written so I can kiss even more ass at work? I don't think bringing home a fucking encyclopedia's worth of work home every night is attracting enough attention" "Well, you're hopeless, short, irritating and gay, so we'll do whatever we can to help out our special needs asshole of a son" And that's exactly what the conversation was. Wow, you topped yourself there you cock gobbling shitstain.

6. One of my personal favorites: he was writing a memo, and he re-printed it out, edited it and reprinted it out again EIGHT FUCKING TIMES within the course of an hour. EIGHT. Seriously, I get wanting to impress and look good. But that's taking it to the retardedly maxed out dildo level that only Shit stack would take it to. What a fucking bag of elephant balls. I hope he chokes.

7. His gait. I know it sound bizarre, but I swear to fucking god he like STOMPS around the office and always walks "with a purpose," if you will. I can practically hear him coming from his fucking car. I'm guessing this is to make up for the fact that 8 year-olds probably tower over his sorry Napoleon-complex ass. I can't even fully explain why his walk pisses me off, but it's almost like he's trying to sound and look important and busy when he WALKS, even if he's walking to fucking get coffee or take a piss. What the fuck you jackhole, walk like a normal goddam person. Maybe one day he'll stomp so hard he'll piss someone off on the first floor so they come up and smack him in the face. That would be awesome.


Those are all I can think of right now, but trust me, this kid is the world's biggest piece of shit ever. He's about on par with Mumia Abu Jamal, only white, short, and not a criminal. Yet.

This is only part I of the rant. Part II will be coming soon Stay tuned!!!

You know what I hate? The way we have to write "he or she" to be politically correct.

Ok so I know it's obviously important to be politically correct (sometimes) but in this particular instance, I find it to be a huge pain in the fucking ass. Think about it; writing a sentence like this "His or her attorney should be willing to work diligently on his or her case so that he or she can..." FUCK! I don't need to waste precious minutes of my life inserting the extra "he" or "she". Fuck that. I'm all for women's rights, clearly, but I don't give a flying fuck if you write "HE did this" or "HE has to do that". CLEARLY it probably applies to both men and women, but instead of wasting energy writing he OR SHE, this person is saving time.

One of my professors always does that. She'll put in "his or her" and she'll even SAY "his or her" when she's talking. What the fuck. We get the idea. You're wasting your breath. If women's rights are going to be asserted somewhere, how about in equal pay instead of futzing around with this "his/her" shit? FUCK that pisses me off! I've given up being PC in that respect. I only write "his." FUck it. I don't care. Take your women's initiative on making sentences applicable to both genders and shove it up your ass. I'm sick of it, and i'm too fucking lazy and annoyed to continue writing both he and she. He is shorter so 'he' it will be.

You know what I hate? People who still type with two fingers

Like this chick I work with. In this terrible economy, I can't believe they haven't found anyone who can actually type like a normal human being. She's one of those people who just LOOKS like a moron. You don't even have to hear her speak or read any of her work, she's just dumb as a fucking post. I think she's an administrative assistant or a paralegal or something. Figures. She always dresses kind of ho-ish too, for unknown reasons. I know all the unattractive people in the office are appealing, but try to maintain a little dignity while in the workplace, eh?

So what I really hate about her, is not only does she only type with two fingers, but she types loud as fuck AND whenever i walk by and she happens to be typing, she looks like she's performing brain surgery or something she's in such deep concentration. Not looking at the screen, mind you, concentrating on her shitty two-finger typing! UGH! I think a monkey could do a better job than you.

It's a short rant, I just had to throw this in because this chick pisses me off. AND she's been hacking like a fucking TB victim for the past week. Jesus christ invest in some cough syrup you inconsiderate office skank. And invest in Typing Tutor for fuck's sake!

You know what I hate? When hot guys try to pawn off their hideous friends on you

I mean, I know it happens both ways. Hot girls will go out with a few unattractive trolls, and the hot girls will get the guys interested only to be like "oh have you met my friend, Brunhilda?" Yea, I know. But seeing as I've only experienced it from a girl's perspective, I'm going to hate about that.

Nothing pisses me off more when you're talking to a hot guy, he seems really fun, interested, etc; then he drops the bomb. He goes "This is my friend! I'm going to the bathroom PEACE!" And there you are, left with the hideous friend who you have zero desire to talk to, and you realize "FUCK i was totally set up! Hot guy only wants to get his ugly ass friend laid, which clearly is not going to happen". Not only is it a waste of my time, but it also makes me feel unattractive because hot guy feels its cool to dump the ugly mess on me. Goddamit. If your friend had a fucking snowball's chance in hell, I'd probably already be talking to him! It's not fucking rocket science. Then you have the awkward conversation where ugly guy is like "so.... what do you do for a living?" And you really try not to look disappointed and pissed off, but you really could not care less about his underwriting job, so you have to politely excuse yourself without trying to look like that big of an asshole.

Listen. The ugly guy dump is a pointless, dildoey thing to do. You know unless you dump him on a girl who's barely sober enough to stand, he won't be taking anyone home, so why don't you spare MY ego, and buzz the fuck off if you're only going to do that to me? Guys are tools.

You know what I hate? Skateboarders

You ever just want to push one of those dumb fuck kids off of their boards? I sure as hell do. Talk about fucking obnoxious. Not only are they loud as fuck when they're traveling on the sidewalk, but they get in the fucking way and oh yea, that "weaving" through the crowd they think is so cool is FUCKING ANNOYING AS HELL. You're not bart simpson, this isn't 1992. Time for you to either get a bike, or walk like a normal goddam person.

I mean skateboarding is totally fine in a skateboarding park. That's the whole fucking point of a skate park. Skate to your heart's content! Break something! Go nuts! But if you're attempting your stupid ass "tricks" in an area where you SHOULDN'T, fuck off. The other day when other normal people were out trying to enjoy the weather, what were the dumb fuck skateboarders doing? That's right-- using up valuable space where people could have sat trying their stupid tricks VERY unsuccessfully. Not that i give a shit if you're a good or bad skateboarder, but it's even more shitty when a crappy one is taking up bench space by continually fucking up. Asshole, go practice somewhere else. Like the middle of I-95.

I also hate just the general skateboarder culture. Tony Hawk is probably the only person who can pull it off and look cool. Anyone else looks retarded. So next time a skateboarder rolls by you, fucking push him off and throw his board into the street. You're doing him a favor. Fuck you skateboarders, I hope you all get hit by cars and die.

You know what I hate? Smokers.

Well, I hate smokers who smoke near me. Otherwise, I have no general problem with people who smoke, except for the fact that they help raise the cost of my health insurance, which, thanks to Obama, will go up even more to accommodate for the asshole smokers who didn't buy insurance before. But that's a different rant. Back to why I hate smokers.


I'm sitting outside on this GLORIOUS day, and who parks her ass on the bench near me, but some white trash-looking whore who proceeds to light up a cigarette. I know I'm outside, I know it's a free country so really she's allowed to smoke, but what the fuck? I don't need my nice fresh air contaminated by your trashy ass fucking cancer stick. It's fine if you want to suffer emphysema in 15 years, but I chose the NON-smoking route and don't want to smell your nasty ass. I hope this bitch dies. You know what else I hate? Those white trash hookers (some of whom are pregnant) I see all the time on locust street SMOKING around their young children. That's even more of a "what the fuck." Those women should be sterilized, then shot for good measure. ANYONE who smokes around their kids should be fined and put on the patch until their kids are 25. I mean seriously, maybe if your brains actually functioned, you'd realize that second-hand smoke kills and causes cancer just like regular smoking. Dumb fucking people. This country needs parenting licenses. But that's a rant for another day.

Thank god they prohibited smoking in bars and restaurants. I used to have to work in the smoking section of a restaurant sometimes, and it was pure fucking hell. Smokers don't deserve their own restaurant sections, they should be shipped off to an island where they test atomic weapons. Assholes. I mean chewing tobacco is gross as fuckall, but at least it doesn't affect me by infiltrating my lungs.

You know what I hate? People who take up the whole sidewalk when they walk.

Even if it's just one person, this one person STILL manages to take up the whole goddam sidewalk--and walk slow as fuck. I can't fucking stand slow walkers in my way. I have no problem generally with them... I know not everyone walks at my pace, but GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY GODDAM WAY!

I was walking down South street last night, and there were these two dudes moving at the speed of a fucking peanut butter river, in fact they were probably one step above moving BACKWARDS, and somehow the two of them were walking in such a way that they took up the whole fucking sidewalk and I had to walk in the street to get around them. It's called common fucking courtesy you piece of shit! Get out of the way! Walk closer to the asshole next to you! I don't care what you do, but fucking move.

There needs to be a "walk" and a "stroll" divider on every sidewalk, like what they have on the moving walkways at the airport. The people on the right stand, and the people on the left walk. Perfect. Those who prefer to stand can stand, and those who prefer to walk can walk. Why the hell is it not like this in every city? If i wasn't terrified of lawsuits and getting shot, i'd invest in a cattle prod to get people out of my way when they feel they own the fucking sidewalk and can take up the whole thing while walking. Fuck you asshole, you don't own it so get the fuck out of my way or get electrocuted. Most of the slow moving offenders are the size of cows anyway, so it's more than appropriate.

You know what I hate?

Why is it that when you put coffee in a travel mug, it stays hot for all of 14 seconds, whereas you put TEA in a travel mug, and 20 minutes later it still scalds the shit out of your tongue? I fucking hate bringing tea anywhere because for the first half hour at least I just carry it around without drinking it because I know it will cause 3rd degree burns. Coffee isn't much better. If i accidentally carry it around without drinking it, it's cold as shit and I'm stuck with cold dildo-ey coffee. I don't care if dildo-ey isn't a word. Fuck it.

I also hate that whenever you order coffee, even if you say "I don't need room for cream" they leave you like a 2" margin of space. Why? The Saxby's on campus is a particularly bad offender. Every time, I say "I don't need any room for cream" and every time, they leave me like an extra 5oz of space. What the fuck? I don't want to be that asshole who sends it back again being like "um, can you fill it all the way to the top?" Because i hate people like that. But if you just listened to me the first time I asked (politely), there wouldn't be assholes like that! Shit, if they leave that much room for no cream, do they leave half the fucking coffee cup empty for people who do ask for room?

That leads me to my next rant. I hate people who put 7 gallons of cream and sugar into their coffee. It's not even COFFEE at that point, it's just some sickly sweet disgusting mess of shit that will give you diabetes. One sugar packet, fine. That's reasonable. But I see some dumb fuck people ripping open like 5 at a time and putting it in. Just drink fucking Pepsi or something, it's the same damn thing only cold.

You know what I hate?

My rainbows brand flip flops. Seriously, they probably are about as comfortable to walk in as a pair of 6 inch stilettos. I know they're supposedly this 'uber comfortable' brand that everyone and their mother is obsessed with, but I think they were originally manufactured by Hitler or Stalin to induce even more pain in their prisoners. I walked for a grand total of 20 mins last night in them, and by the time I was limping back home, I had blisters the size of quarters on my feet where the hellish pieces of shit dug into my skin. You might say "well, every pair of shoes needs to be broken in... you just need to wear them some more"

I've had these spawns of the fucking devil for about 7 months, warn them numerous times (stupidly) and they STILL rip me a new asshole every time. I even put moleskin on the insides of the straps to try to lessen the amount of severe blistery pain they cause... nothing. Fuck you Rainbows, I hope you rot in hell. Oh, and fuck Rite Aid brand band-aids. You might as well scotch tape a piece of gauze to your skin, because it would probably stick longer. And it wouldn't leave a disgusting residue from the "glue" it supposedly uses to adhere to you.

So fuck you Rainbows and fuck you Rite Aid for your shitastic, inferior piece of shit products. But mostly just Rainbows.

Welcome to Grad Rant!

A place for everyone (namely, me) to hate on everything and anything you want to. Do you hate traffic lights? Complain away. Do you hate the asshole toll collectors on the NJ turnpike? This is your place to air all your hatred.

I'll start first. You know what I hate? People who don't use their fucking turn signal. I mean is it REALLY that goddam hard? I know, it's a TON of effort to move your finger half an inch to push it down or up, but please, for the sake of the other people on the road, just fucking do it! Taxis are the worst. I get that they've probably been driving for so long, they just don't care about the other people on the road anymore. Fine. But, since you're such a dildo, I'm going to walk as slow as humanly possible when crossing the street and you're trying to turn (without your turn signal, no doubt). Goddamit i hate them. You know what else pisses me of? The fact that they will stop in the middle of a crowded 5-lane road to pick someone up. Really?? Really you piece of shit? Fuck you and your lack of road manners.

I realize that had nothing to do with graduate school, but I was behind a taxi a couple days ago and the fucker didn't use his turn signal AND picked someone up without pulling over. Asshat.